People Pleasing or Wanting to Be Liked? 

 

I was sitting with a client who had recently fallen out with a very good friend. They had known each other for years. There was history, warmth, shared experiences. The kind of friendship that feels solid enough to tolerate honesty.

 

The rupture began when my client challenged their friend’s behaviour as it mattered to them: so they thought carefully and decided to say something, rather than let it grow into resentment. The conversation did not land well: the friend became defensive and, in turn, challenged my client’s behaviour back.

 

What surprised my client was not that the conversation was difficult, but how hard they found the aftermath. They felt shaken, hurt, and undone by it. They kept returning to the same question: why does this feel so painful when I know I acted in line with my values?

 

As we stayed with it, something interesting began to emerge.

 

What is the Difference between People Pleasing and Wanting Others to Like You?

 

I wonder about the difference between people pleasing and simply wanting others to like you, and how easily we tangle the two together: wanting others to like you makes sense to me. Humans evolved in small groups. Connection was not a bonus, it was essential. Being part of the tribe meant warmth, food, and protection. Being pushed out meant danger: our nervous systems still carry that logic. When we sense that someone may not like us, or that a relationship feels threatened, the body responds quickly. It mobilises, becomes alert, and we feel uneasy, restless and anxious.

 

From this perspective, wanting to be liked is not a weakness. It is a biological orientation towards connection.

 

People pleasing feels like something else.

 

People pleasing seems to happen when the body learns that connection is only available if something of the self is given up. Wants, needs, desires, values, even morals can quietly move out of the way to keep a relationship intact. The question shifts from What do I think or feel here? to What do I need to be to stay connected?

 

This is not usually a conscious choice. It is a strategy the nervous system reaches for when safety feels uncertain.

 

In the situation with my client, what struck me was that they were not people pleasing. They had done the opposite. They had stayed with their own sense of what mattered and spoken from it. And yet, when the friend challenged them back, it hurt deeply.

 

That led us to another layer.

 

Forming a Sense of Self

 

Forming a sense of self takes effort: it takes time and energy to think things through, to decide what you believe, to act in line with your values. When you do this, you invest something of yourself. So when someone dismisses or disagrees with a deeply held view, the body can respond as though something much larger is at stake.

 

Part of that response is about connection: disagreement can still register as a threat to belonging. But there is also something more personal in it. When you have taken the time to form your own position, a challenge can feel like a rejection of you, not just of an idea.

 

I notice that people who borrow their opinions from others often find disagreement easier to brush off. If you never fully own a view, you can just as easily hand it back: it’s not really mine anyway, there is less exposure and vulnerability.

 

A strong sense of self brings solidity, but it also brings tenderness. I wonder if we talk enough about that.

 

Vulnerability in Relationships

 

People pleasing, in contrast, often shows up when someone does not feel secure in their own decisions, or when earlier experiences taught the body that others can easily withdraw acceptance. It takes a lot of effort to keep adjusting yourself to fit. It is exhausting, because the strategy itself demands constant work.

 

As we explored this, my client began to see that the pain they felt was not evidence that they had done something wrong. It was information: their body was responding to the risk of losing connection after they had shown themselves more fully.

 

I am left wondering whether many of the struggles we label as people pleasing are actually about something more fundamental. A deep need for connection, alongside a growing desire to remain in contact with who we truly are.

 

Perhaps the question is not how to stop wanting to be liked, but how to notice when staying connected starts to require leaving ourselves behind. I don’t have a neat answer to that. I’m still thinking about it. I’m curious how it lands for you?

 

 

 

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My journey over 17 years has taught me that true knowledge isn’t about the letters after my name or the timeline of my academic pursuits. It’s about the stories shared, the moments of vulnerability, and the human connection that transforms both you and me. It’s holding space, listening intently, and noticing the patterns within your words and emotions.

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